You know that cliché, “a weight has been lifted off my shoulders”? Well, I feel it and I love it.
The moment I hit publish on my last reflection post, I felt free, which is almost as ridiculous as my no contact notion from before.
I’m not a touchy, feel-good, all gooey on the inside and outside kind of person. I dislike people for the most part. Everyone starts out on the same indifferent plain and, depending on your behaviour and personality, you can either move up or down on my list. Personal space over affection is my mantra. I don’t like horror or being scared out of my wits but I don’t like watching feel good movies either (unless their animated….they’re my weakness). Apathy is applied to most of my life. I don’t cry unless I’m deeply rattled or I’m enraged. I’m not one to seek people out or actively make connections because, truthfully, I don’t want people around me.
I’m sure you’re thinking I’m crazy, in denial, or contradictory and wondering what’s the point of highlighting my bad qualities. It’s so you can understand that when I say this is a passion, you know it’s real. It’s a rare glimpse at a burning emotion for me, the composed, indifferent woman. This blog, my writing, they are the other side of me. It’s still nowhere close to warm and fuzzy but it is warmer and much more receptive. It’s happy to connect if even only as something you skim over.
Perhaps I’m using the wrong words to describe myself. Indifferent doesn’t really apply but, when you compare how I am when I’m not writing or thinking about writing to how I am when writing is on my mind, it’s not that far off.
I’m that person who grew up knowing she had to be something big. Dreams were only dreams, not something to chase after. They were uncertain at best and sure to lead nowhere at the worst. So I stopped dreaming. I picked paths that were certain. I looked ahead to a future that would be secure and fruitful financially. I told myself I couldn’t touch music or writing. But, you know what, they make up my soul. No matter what I do, the two will always be there. Even now, I’m typing like crazy (getting a little misty thanks to how personal this is) and listening to music (In Dreams by Lorie Line which is probably why I feel misty).
So, it’s not that I’m indifferent or completely incapable of showing emotions. It’s that I take my time and energy very seriously. Not everyone or everything is worth either and so, because of that, I am selective about the things and people I let affect me and my life.
On some deeper level, psychologically, I could be searching for companionship (I doubt this) and that could be one of the unconscious motivators for “A Writer’s Alibi” (equally doubtful). However, what I am certain of is, I want to connect with people who I don’t have to waste time or effort explaining why I do this to. I want the ones who have passion so that theirs can reignite mine should I ever feel burnt out. That said….over excitement bugs me so I’d prefer level-headed or even medium-headed enthusiasm. No smothering me.
After reading everything over, maybe I am one huge contradiction. Some of you may be turned off, it wasn’t my intention. Some of you may be intrigued, also not my intention. But some of you, I hope, will get to the end of this with a better understanding of what this all means to me and appreciate my honesty as a person and writer. I could have sold you on a person who wants the world to be in eternal peace, loves baby birds, and bakes cookies but I didn’t. I showed you a piece of who I am, or at least who I think I am, because I rather leave you with the truth so you can see the good shine through. It’s the same theory I apply to my writing challenges. I will always give them to you with errors intact.
I’m giving you all of me, unpolished and unedited, as both a person and a story-teller. I can only hope you have the capacity to appreciate both.
Now that I’ve dragged myself through mud, I can thank you. Thank you for reading this far. If you’re a first timer, thank you for giving me a chance. If you’re a returning visitor or subscriber, I thank you the most for continuously giving me your time. I try to keep my posts short for you guys because I know sometimes it’s hard to read long pieces. I appreciate every one of you that hits Follow or Like. For following and liking my dream, I thank you.
p.s. I already like all of you.